Fr3aKy Lu||aby

 Lama sudah ku tidak mengintai blog ni. Hahahaha... Kehidupan ku sekarang agak tenang dalam melayari ribut badai kehidupan. Alhamdulillah dapat merasai kenikmatan ketenangan tiupan angin walaupun adakalanya di timpa hujan, bersyukur sangat.. Masuk tahun ni dah hampir 7 tahun aku menjaga Hafizuddin dan Maryam. Dan apa yang aku boleh katakan, insyaAllah aku dah masuk dalam fasa berdamai dengan ketentuan Illahi.  Jujur, sebelum aku agak marah dan rasa terbeban dengan tanggung jawab yang terpaksa aku galas. Dalam diam aku marah orang sekeliling aku yang meletakkan tanggugjawab ini pada aku.  Menjaga anak-anak tak senang okey. Satu, aku ni seorang moody..emosi bagai gunung berapi..hatta 1 batu kecil mampu meletuskan api. Dan aku selalu berfikir, mungkin sebab mereka bukan keluar dari badanku sendiri maka haruman kasihku pada mereka pudar sekali. Seringkali memerlukan baja agar harumannya mekar mewangi... Tau tak dari mana aku dapat baja? Ada sekali tu aku rasa lelah sangat. Me...

Dah lama tak layan lagu-lagu sebenarnya. Layan lagu ni pun sebab Aina Abdul punya cover and this cover is currently on the loop. This song hits differently when I suddenly realized the meaning of the line "So go easy on me..." I was like straight away imagining the kids saying that line to me....and it feels so heartbreaking..and I feel so sorry and it made me tried harder to be better.. Honestly parenting is tough. Really really tough.. It's going one month more to full 4 years now where I became a single parent to 2 of my sister's kids. Life and things happened to my sister so I step myself in to take care of her kids. I thought then that it was an easy thing for me to do that, but no! Oh God no!! Ya Allah how wrong I was!! My first 2 years in was the hardest and I struggled with the sudden changes I have to made. The 180 adjustment (in every directions) I had to take kinda messed me up a little bit (emotionally and physically).   But I learned  All sorts of things....

Ingat lagi masa kecik-kecik bila tahun 2020 disebut-sebut, kita bayangkan ada kereta terbang and then suasana memang futuristic habis lah kan... Apa dah jadi dengan tahun 2020? Rasa kabut sangat kan? Yang pastinya semua orang tengah berusaha untuk teruskan kehidupan. Life must go on katanya. Dan, semoga politik Malaysia ni BERSIH

Cuti habis dah weii! apa yg aku buat eh sepanjang cuti ni? rasa cam busy giller kot minggu ni, tapi plan kerja aku hapa pon tak siap. Penatnye minggu ni sampai 3 kali badan dedau. Dalam 3 tahun kebelakangan ni macam ni lah. Kalau badan penat je, mula la tak sihat. Sampai mak pon kata asyik demam je kejenye.  huhuhu teringat zaman dolu dolu dolu yang dalam setahun, paling banyak demam pon cuma sekali je. itu la..beringat lah kita semua Anyway... Esok dah sekolah!!

Rabu dah kejap je minggu ni dah tak ada dah emosional bagai. Alhamdulillah. Sampai tengok cerita Hotel Del Luna part sedih pon, bergenang pon tidak  Part scene sedih tu boleh tak terheran kejap. Cam, kenapa tak meleleh ni? sebab selalunya kalau tengok drama memang senang sangat air hujan turun. Yang aku perasan, diri ni tak boleh terlalu dry sangat emosi tu. Sebab dia bukan betul-betul tak peduli, tapi emosi tu akan build up dan bila dah sampai threshold dia.....mula la break down. Bahaya anyway Many things happened within this little time from the last post. Might be mundane things for others, but not so for me. On Sunday, I accompanied mak to her acquaintance cafe. we had a lovely breakfast together. An english style breakfast.....which is not to my liking and I kept on thinking I want Nasi Lemak! (which they have actually).  and somewhere along our conversations mak touched on when she's 'gone' thingy...I was extremely saddened by that. Like really really sad...

This week is an emotional wreck kinda week. Starting from Sunday evening all the way through the week, it's one rocky roller coaster ride. Rasanya hampir semua emosi yang exist this whole universe hadir dalam minggu ni.  Please no more.. Waktu siang tak  terasa sangat sebab serious busy, so otak tak pikir apa. Tapi bila time masa senggang.....Too much feels..too much thoughts... Minggu ni saja First time tidur sambil berendam air mata.  First time menangis sampai mata sembab macam kena tumbuk, dan first time tak dapat tidur sebab menangis. Tapi apa yang aku dapat minggu ni?  It's okay to cry So that I could function well the next day It's okay to feel so much So that I could get closure that I never knew I need And try to move on And to rely to others And to hold on tight on Allah to protect you and your family May next week be better much much much than this week. InsyaAllah.

Tahun 2017, mak di diagnosed menghadapi breast cancer. Terus buat operation untuk buang dan selepas itu bila doktor lihat ada beberapa ketulan telah merebak ke tempat lain, mak terus direfer ke IKN  putrajaya untuk rawatan kimoterapi. Sesi rawatan kimo emak berlarutan sehingga hujung tahun 2017 dan di sepanjang tahun tersebut, aku melihat emosi emak yang turun naik. Perasaan yang aku rasa sepanjang itu jika boleh aku tak nak dah lalui lagi. Tahun 2018, Alhamdulillah emak clear dari kanser dan aku lihat emak kembali cergas walaupun cepat penat. Regular check up di IKN berterusan. 2 minggu lepas emak membuat CT Scan seperti yang dijadualkan dan keputusannya dapat hari ini. Doktor bagi tahu emak yang terdapat 2 biji kecil kelihatan di area paru-paru kanan. Tapinya doktor tak boleh nak confirm sama ada ketulan tu kanser atau pun tidak dan kene tunggu bulan 10 nanti untuk buat CT Scan sekali lagi. Kata emak lagi, chances yang ketulan tu kanser adalah tinggi. Aku cakap d...

bizinye hr niiiiiiii Pagi-pagi lagi dah ke Kajang unutk mengambil kain ihram, telekung dan beberapa lagi peralatan dan goodies bag untuk Pogram Haji Cilik. First time tadika buat program ni, jadi agak excited (walaupun tak ikut). . . . . malasnya nak tulis entry. Nak tulis ni macam kena paksa je tau. Tapi kena tulis juga, sebab sekarang ni skill menulis memang ke laut semua. Pendek kata hari ni memang busy bee la seharian. Tapi puas hati pasal dapt selitkan agenda shopping menyopping sekali hari ni walaupun rushing..It's amazing what shopping can do to your fluctuating emotion. :) sampai terlupa malam ni Maryam ada tusyen

Besok cutiii!!! best sebab kurang 4 pasang baju sekolah yang perlu di iron Maklang serious pemalas trang tang tang bila bab mengiron ni like aduuhhh..besrcinta sungguh! Ya Allah, ko bukalah pintu hati kerajaan untuk menukar pakaian seragam sekolah kepada yang jenis t-shirt. Dan tolong lah tukar warna sekali. Jangaaaaaaan la putih. Ya ampun bebudak ni kat sekolah main tak ingat dunia agaknya. Balik umah maklang tengok masing-masingnya baju kotor ya amat Maklang yang rasa macam nak pengsan. Kena berus tangan tau tak. Kot tiba tak sihat/takde mood/busy, tak dan nak berus-berus bagai terus main campak je dalam mesin basuh, ko ingat bersih ke..... jadinya.... minggu ni best sebab tak banyak uniform sekolah yang diperlukan nota kaki: macam mana mak aku time kecik2 handle kitorangnye baju agaknye ek..sebab aku ingat lagi time darjah 1 selalu kena sound ngan cikgu sebab tudung comot...dan aku AJK kebersihan(takleh blah. hahahahah)

I cannot sleep I cannot sleep I cannot sleep when you think that everything has been properly erased, but suddenly because of the two events, every feelings that had been forcibly forgotten came back. All my feelings All my forgotten feelings Engulfed and Swallowed me whole Making me totally and utterly helpless Too much.....Too much...

Tahun ni dah masuk tahun ke dua menjaga Maryam dan Azani Anak kakngah Tahun lepas tahun kejutan budaya bila tetiba menjaga bebudak ni fullday. Penat fizikal dan emosi weih.... Bab emosi tu memang out habis tahun lepas.... Tahun ni, dah masuk fasa redha dan pasrah. Meaning the me inside slowly dah boleh terima. Macam mana ek nak cakap. Bukan tak willing nak menjaga, tapi dia lebih kepada terkejut kepada perubahan segala-galanya. It's like, masa yang dulu khas untuk aku, kini dah ganti jadi masa untuk aku+maryam+Azani. Plus nak mendidik anak-anak bukan mudah..... Tapi Alhamdulillah, bukan aku sorang yang jaga. Weekend, dan bila agak-agak macam overwhelmed, minta Fatimah/mak tolong jagakan. anyway... let us live life as it is

Menghadiri majlis tunang Fathiah  membuatkan aku terimbau kenangan dulu walaupun sepintas cuma cepat cepat ku cantas degupan itu pun sudah lama beku

Loving the song *heart* let us all be happy on every little things.

It's really have been awhile since I even visited my own blog... Things happened. Life Happened. And my words disappeared. Then busy-ness came. Makes me one lazy human being to write stuffs anymore. Hence the posts stop. But...life happened again. And this time, I have to write it down so that the feelings will be remembered and not forgotten. So, a week after Eid-ul-fitr, I accompanied my mom to visit KPJ Hospital for a check-up. My mom has been asking me somewhere during the Final week of Ramadhan, but I asked her if we could go after Eid during  the holiday. The check up is for her breast as she said that she felt achy-like feeling the way girls had when we are PMS-ing. That throb-ache on the breast feeling. Thing is, her menstrual has long ago stopped so it doesn't makes any sense for the pain she's having. Hence, the visit. Thinking back, the morning on our way to KPJ, my mom must have been feeling so anxious. But me on the other hand was really having positi...

This *post* is for ,_testing_, out the apps I downloaded on my phone The end posted from Bloggeroid

Tau tak benda ape yang aku paling menyampah sekali nak buat? editting barang-barang yang dah melimpah-ruah sampai taktau dah nak letak mana... scary je rasa nak buang barang

these few days, I'm feeling really really weird... it's like every bit of memories has came back to me... and so does the emotions that those memories bring...

So, yesterday during class while my little kiddos doing the work that I gave them....you know when your head humming a song and you just mouth the words out? that kind of thing happened... And I don't even know the lyrics of that song ! I just not knowingly sang :- sayaaanggg~~aku kau lupa...aku kau ....... (and then I stop as I dont know the rest of the lyrics) Astonishingly for me, one of my students who sit at the back of the class, his head straight away look up from his work and look at me and start continuing the song from where I left off hanging.. and another student at the front table joined him and another student gets up from his chair and walk towards me and start headbanging(he has long hair, imagined that!) and air guitaring.. And I was like.....what? is? happening? but as usual, I just said sudah sudah! siapkan kerja awak.... Side Note: 12.25 pagi...takleh tdoooooo!!!

So many things to say but the words just not there.........

Sabtu lepas ade dua kenduri. Di dua negeri. Nasib baik negeri negeri tuh berjiran. Fuh.. So, Bangi ---> Melaka ---> Johor ::::> Capek bangatt.. Kat Melaka kenduri member sekolah. Pastu ke Johor sebab kawan kepada kawan aku ade buat kenduri kahwin. So aku kire menemankan lah. Dan alang-alang ke sana, kite pon decide nak pusing-pusing kat area situ. Parit Raja.. Hurm..Tak pusing mana sangat pon, sebab sampai ke tempat kenduri kat Parit Raja tu pon dah hampir nak habis dah majlis. Kelakar je. Lagi 10 minit nak pukul 4, baru kitorang sampai. Nasib baik lauk banyak lagi(perut dah kebulur). Lepas salam-salam amik amik gambar ngan pengantin, terus serbu meja makan. Amik makanan. Giler lapar. Time tu orang dah tade amik makanan dah. Tayah beratur, terus boleh amik lauk masuk dalam pinggan. Tade la tade orang langsung. Orang-orang yang tinggal bawah khemah sume kendarat/sedara mara/jiran je. Tak habis makan lagi, pengantin dah nak chow buat outdoor Photoshoot dah. Nampak tak ...